When to Change or Quit a Goal: Adjusting Without Guilt

Most goal advice is about persistence: stick with it, don't give up, push through. That is often good advice. But some goals stop making sense. Your circumstances change, the cost turns out to be higher than you expected, or the goal was never really yours.

Psychologists who study self-regulation argue that letting go is not just a failure of willpower. Done well, it can be a skill. The hard part is knowing when to hold on and when to change course.

This guide covers what research says about giving up goals, the options between "keep going" and "quit," and questions to help you decide.

Giving up can be adaptive

In a 2003 paper in Self and Identity titled "The Importance of Goal Disengagement in Adaptive Self-Regulation: When Giving Up Is Beneficial," Carsten Wrosch, Michael Scheier, Charles Carver and Richard Schulz argued that goal disengagement is an essential part of effective self-regulation, and that it is most adaptive when it leads to pursuing new, meaningful goals.

In a companion paper the same year in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Wrosch and colleagues reported three studies, including 115 undergraduates, a group of younger and older adults, and parents of children with cancer. People who reported being better able to disengage from unattainable goals, and to reengage in alternative goals, tended to report higher subjective well-being. Reengagement predicted well-being beyond the ability to let go. These were associations in specific groups, not proof that quitting causes well-being, but they challenge the idea that persistence is always the healthy choice.

The trap: less effort, same commitment

Wrosch and colleagues draw a key distinction. Giving up means withdrawing both effort and commitment. The painful middle ground is reducing your effort while staying committed to the goal. They describe this as generating great distress: you stop trying, yet you can't turn away psychologically.

Many people live in this state for months with a stalled goal. They aren't working on it, but they still feel they should be. Either recommitting or consciously letting go is usually better than staying stuck in between.

You have more than two options

Quitting entirely is rarely the only alternative to pushing on. The research and practice point to several in-between moves:

• Change the plan, not the goal. If the goal still makes sense but your method isn't working, try a different strategy. Goal-setting researchers Edwin Locke and Gary Latham reported that when someone's strategy is inappropriate, a difficult goal can lead to worse performance than an easy one.
• Scale it back. Wrosch and colleagues describe disengagement in a small way, adjusting your standard within the same area of life. Their example is someone who realizes a new car is too expensive and looks for a used one instead.
• Switch pathways. Concrete goals often serve a deeper value, and there are usually many paths to that value. Their example is someone who values environmentalism but can no longer do regular volunteer work because of a chronic illness, and so increases charitable giving instead.
• Pause it on purpose. Moving a goal to a "someday" list with a date to revisit it is different from letting it silently fade.
• Let it go and replace it. If the goal truly can't be reached, the research suggests that finding and committing to a new, meaningful goal matters as much as releasing the old one.

Questions to help you decide

Wrosch and colleagues are candid that there is no definitive answer to how long is too long. They also warn against quitting too early: when a goal is potentially realizable, even a limited giving up can be a mistake. They write that "when the goal cannot be met, or even approximated, disengagement is the right response." These questions can help you figure out which situation you are in:

1. Is it still attainable? Has something outside your control changed, such as your health, finances, schedule or family situation? Could you reach an approximation of it?
2. Is the problem the goal or the plan? Have you actually tried a different method, or only tried harder with the same one?
3. Does it still matter to you? Is it serving a value you hold now, or one you held when you set it?
4. What is it costing? The 2009 "Goals Gone Wild" paper by Ordóñez and colleagues warned that goals can narrow focus so much that people neglect important areas the goal doesn't mention. Look at what your goal is crowding out.
5. What would you do instead? If you can name a meaningful replacement, letting go becomes easier and, according to the research, healthier.

Watch for goal fixation

Holding on too long has its own risks. The Goals Gone Wild authors describe the 1996 Mount Everest disaster as a case of what researcher D. C. Kayes called "destructive goal pursuit," where leaders identified so closely with reaching the summit that they made risky decisions. Kayes' warning signs included associating goals with destiny, facing public expectations, and attempting face-saving behavior.

Personal goals are rarely that high-stakes, but the signs are familiar. If the main reason you are still pursuing a goal is that you announced it, or that quitting would feel embarrassing, that is worth noticing. The time and effort you have already spent are gone either way; the decision is about what happens next.

Build in decision points

One practical safeguard is to decide in advance when you will reassess. When you set a goal, note a review date and a simple condition: "If I haven't made progress on this by the end of the quarter, I'll decide whether to change the plan, scale it back or drop it." Google's re:Work guide on OKRs makes a similar point at the team level, describing regular check-ins as a chance to adjust to new information and abandon objectives that clearly aren't going to happen.

Making the choice at a scheduled review, rather than on a bad day, helps keep the decision deliberate.

When it's more than a goal

Letting go of a goal that was central to your identity, like a career path, a relationship milestone or a long-held dream, can bring real grief. If giving something up leaves you feeling hopeless for a long stretch, talking with a counselor or other professional can help; this guide is not a substitute for professional care. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, which offers free, confidential support 24/7.

Key takeaways

• Research by Wrosch and colleagues links the ability to let go of unattainable goals, and to take up new ones, with higher well-being.
• The most painful state is reduced effort with continued commitment; recommit or release.
• Between pushing on and quitting are other options: change the plan, scale back, switch pathways or pause.
• Quit when a goal can't be met or approximated, not just when it's hard.
• Schedule decision points so you reassess goals deliberately, not in a low moment.

Sources

• Carsten Wrosch, Michael F. Scheier, Charles S. Carver and Richard Schulz, The Importance of Goal Disengagement in Adaptive Self-Regulation: When Giving Up Is Beneficial, Self and Identity (2003)
• Carsten Wrosch, Michael F. Scheier, Gregory E. Miller, Richard Schulz and Charles S. Carver, Adaptive Self-Regulation of Unattainable Goals: Goal Disengagement, Goal Reengagement, and Subjective Well-Being, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (December 2003)
• Edwin A. Locke and Gary P. Latham, Building a Practically Useful Theory of Goal Setting and Task Motivation: A 35-Year Odyssey, American Psychologist (September 2002)
• Lisa D. Ordóñez, Maurice E. Schweitzer, Adam D. Galinsky and Max H. Bazerman, Goals Gone Wild: The Systematic Side Effects of Over-Prescribing Goal Setting, Harvard Business School Working Paper 09-083 (2009)
• Google re:Work, Set Goals With OKRs (originally published 2016)
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline